I have precisely 18.5 hours in which to decide whether to carry on with counselling. It’s taken me nearly 6 years to have the guts to try and speak to someone about the stupid stuff that goes on in my head, but to be honest the last 3 weeks have been a waste of time. So tonight I have to decide if I’m really ready to try and sort this out or if I’m just going to carry on by myself.
Both options terrify me. It’s taken me this long to get help and if I walk away now I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to go back.
But I just don’t know what I’m meant to do or say, or if I really want to stop.
I don’t mean to keep labouring the point, but you don’t. even. live. here.
Well at least I feel a bit calmer now…
Epic epic fail, guess I burnt myself taking my pizza out of the oven
So damn stressed out right now. Why do I always do this to myself? Really can’t see when it will ever end either. I just can’t even describe how completely out of control everything feels. Everything is getting too much and I don’t know how to get back in control other than doing the one thing that I’m really really trying not to do. Eurgh I’m genuinely worried about how much longer I can carry on like this for. I just wish I wasn’t like this. Why can’t I just be normal? I just really really need to get back in control but the only way to do that is with time and space and there are just too many deadlines and too many people pulling me in different directions. i just want to lock myself away and come out in a week and not have to think about another person for a second of that time. I know it sounds awful but there’s no other way to describe what my head feels like right now. Just the sound of my housemates flushing the toilet or my neighbour opening their front door is making me want to scream and I don’t kow why. I’m worried I’m losing it or something. I just need everything to get back under control. Most of all I just feel like I need everyone to leave me the hell alone unless they can actually do something to help. Asking me how things are going when you’re only really going to give me something else to worry about is so far from helpful right now. I just need everyone to shut the hell up, let me get out of this funk for myself, and maybe bring me lots of strong coffee. Maybe everything would seem better if I wasn’t so darn tired as well.
Eurgh I just want to cry and disappear. And, btw, can you just shut the hell up because YOU DON’T EVEN LIVE HERE.
The thing is that none of us are really up for tomorrow. I know it sounds awful, but we’re just not.
But you, well you’d really really want to be there. You’d be so damn proud and it hurts so much because I can literally picture you there but you’re just not going to be there and everytime I think about it it feels like someone is grabbing hold of my insides and twisting them until I feel like I’m going to explode.
I know that I need to get over this, but I loved you for 22 years and I can’t bear the thought of growing up and getting older and older and older and still never seeing you again. I know that this is meant to happen, grandparents are meant to die, but I really really miss you.
I love you gramps, I hope you can read this somewhere tonight, and more than anything I hope that you know that I love you so so much and I always will xxx
Being 22 is almost over, and although Ikind of hate birthdays I can’t help but look forward to say goodbye to this year.
I really want being 23 to be different to being 22, and I just wanted to write down a few things that I really hope I can look back on this time next year and have achieved:
1) Stop cutting. Stop. Completely stop. I’ve been cutting for 5 1/2 years now, but this last year has definitely been the worst. I have barely managed a week free. I think as well that I might be accepting that I can’t do this by myself. If I’m not getting better then I hope that by this time next year I’ve had the courage to get some professional help.
2) Lose weight. Not in a crazy way. But enough to be healthy and feel mroe comfortable with myself. I want to be able to look in the mirror again and to sit in a room without hating the fact that everyone may or may not be looking at me and thinking that I am a great lump.
3) Work harder. My motivation has all but vanished the last two years. I want to get back to who I used to be. I need to work in a focused way, with some direction, not just long hours. I need to get my act together with my writing as well. I hope that this time next year I’ve at east started to plan some thesis chapters, if not write them.
4) Cherish every moment with my family and really make time for them. The past few years have taught me how difficult and unpredictable life can be, but the last few months have shown me how I’ve been complacent this last year since things have been going okay again. The thought of losing someone close to me again tears me apart. They mean the World to me and I hope that this year i can try and take the pressure off my Mum and sister more, try and help me Dad get his zest for life back again and just comfort my Nan during the dark and difficult says that she’s going to have and help her realise how much she still has to live for.
5) Hold on to my friends. Basically they’re just awesome. I’ll always look back with such great memories on my undergrad days with all of them, and I know that things will never be like that again but I don’t ever want to lose them.
So here’s good riddance to 22 and hoping that I can be a better 23 year old. More like someone that 12 year old me would have been happy to grow up into maybe.